Suffocated.

Its been a tough week. Actually it has been a tough year. I would definitely classify this as the biggest challenge in my life (up to this point). My personal beliefs all came crashing down, and before I knew it, university started and as we all know, university puts the mind and body to a test. You have to be strong enough to recover fast; you have to be strong enough to withstand the harsh bell-curve, or you just got to be strong enough to sleep lesser.

Up till I turned 20, I always believed that I would not be the one giving up. I would not be the first to throw in the towel and raise the white flag. No. I will not. Because as long as we work hard together, as long as we don’t lose sight of the future, things will work out. I will adapt to you, you will adapt to me. That’s how it works right. You just got to give it your all.

But no. That’s apparently not how it works. Someone comes along and make you see that its not about how much you try, its not about how much he tries. Sometimes it is about the compatibility. These two people are just not for each other. Is that the correct inference and thought? No idea.

I got tired. I got tired of chasing after you. I raised my white flag and retreated to what I thought was a safe spot. It turned out to be worst because I had to take the final blow. I had to endure the consequence of my choice. I gave up my belief and I suffered the consequence. I lost myself completely.

Whoever was the one that thought it will all work out fine?

Oh no you gave up. That just proved that what you thought was all just deceiving yourself.

I made a mistake, and I continuously made more mistakes. Listening to others without my own opinion was my biggest mistake.

After that, I got scared. I am terrified. What if the next one turns out similar. It doesn’t matter how much one tried. So what matters?

I don’t have an answer.

It gets incredibly tiring, but strangely peaceful. It was peaceful living by myself. I don’t have a little voice in my head reminding me about another living being, wondering what he was doing, wondering if he had enough food.

And this is where it gets even scarier. I am used to being alone. I don’t see the need to have someone else.

Oh yes I do have my eye candy. That hot guy right there? Oh of course he makes my heart race a little. That little eye contact we had? Enough to make me giggle like a little girl.

But for guys that went a step further and confessed their feelings, I couldn’t help but take a step back and distance myself a little.

Is this some rant about guys confessing to you? When its not even supposed to be a rant?

Haha hold up there. Confessing their feelings take a lot of guts, I respect them for that. I just can’t give them the answer that they want to hear.

I can’t commit.

It gets tiring after a while. This is another guy I am hurting. This is another heart I am gonna shatter. Will they be fine after this? No idea, but I certainly hope so.

They are all nice beings. They deserve to have their happiness. But I am not the one giving it to them. I can’t be the one giving it to them.

For now, I just hope to give myself some time, and if someone comes along during the right time, I wish I have enough courage to step into this match and come out as a pair.

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Tonight?

It was a great night. We have been planning this day for a few weeks. Week 10 of the semester where projects and assignments are all rushing in, and we decided to take a break from all of these. Was it a great idea? If I value my sanity, I guess yes, judging by the fact that I had at least 2 migraine attacks for the past 3 days. (It was bad, for all those people in the same plight as me, I feel you, migraine shouldn’t exist)

A night of partying, alcohols and awesome EDMs. It is a wonder what alcohol does to you. I can’t even dance on normal days and alcohol is all it takes to get me started. The attention, although for a short 5 mins, was all it takes to make my night really worth.

A guy approached us at dance floor and held on to me.

I didn’t exactly see his face, but I heard he was quite good looking. My friends were pushing me over, and asking if I want to have some wild fun tonight. Not the one night stand kind of thing but maybe just some intimate moments.

I was considering really hard, really really hard. On one hand, it has been years since I broke up and I really want to have a shoulder to lean on. (HAHA totally possible at a club). But on the other hand, I know I would regret this the moment I sober up.

Letting a random guy have intimate moments with me?

I just can’t accept it. The last time I checked, where I leaned onto my friend’s shoulder cause I had quite a drink, I felt so so bad the next morning. Simply because I crave for a men’s support doesn’t mean that I should go around with random guys. And using them to satisfy my need, just for that moment, just doesn’t click with my sober self.

Will I ever get drunk and discard my sober self? That totally depends. Though I would believe that the chances are really low.