Suffocated.

Its been a tough week. Actually it has been a tough year. I would definitely classify this as the biggest challenge in my life (up to this point). My personal beliefs all came crashing down, and before I knew it, university started and as we all know, university puts the mind and body to a test. You have to be strong enough to recover fast; you have to be strong enough to withstand the harsh bell-curve, or you just got to be strong enough to sleep lesser.

Up till I turned 20, I always believed that I would not be the one giving up. I would not be the first to throw in the towel and raise the white flag. No. I will not. Because as long as we work hard together, as long as we don’t lose sight of the future, things will work out. I will adapt to you, you will adapt to me. That’s how it works right. You just got to give it your all.

But no. That’s apparently not how it works. Someone comes along and make you see that its not about how much you try, its not about how much he tries. Sometimes it is about the compatibility. These two people are just not for each other. Is that the correct inference and thought? No idea.

I got tired. I got tired of chasing after you. I raised my white flag and retreated to what I thought was a safe spot. It turned out to be worst because I had to take the final blow. I had to endure the consequence of my choice. I gave up my belief and I suffered the consequence. I lost myself completely.

Whoever was the one that thought it will all work out fine?

Oh no you gave up. That just proved that what you thought was all just deceiving yourself.

I made a mistake, and I continuously made more mistakes. Listening to others without my own opinion was my biggest mistake.

After that, I got scared. I am terrified. What if the next one turns out similar. It doesn’t matter how much one tried. So what matters?

I don’t have an answer.

It gets incredibly tiring, but strangely peaceful. It was peaceful living by myself. I don’t have a little voice in my head reminding me about another living being, wondering what he was doing, wondering if he had enough food.

And this is where it gets even scarier. I am used to being alone. I don’t see the need to have someone else.

Oh yes I do have my eye candy. That hot guy right there? Oh of course he makes my heart race a little. That little eye contact we had? Enough to make me giggle like a little girl.

But for guys that went a step further and confessed their feelings, I couldn’t help but take a step back and distance myself a little.

Is this some rant about guys confessing to you? When its not even supposed to be a rant?

Haha hold up there. Confessing their feelings take a lot of guts, I respect them for that. I just can’t give them the answer that they want to hear.

I can’t commit.

It gets tiring after a while. This is another guy I am hurting. This is another heart I am gonna shatter. Will they be fine after this? No idea, but I certainly hope so.

They are all nice beings. They deserve to have their happiness. But I am not the one giving it to them. I can’t be the one giving it to them.

For now, I just hope to give myself some time, and if someone comes along during the right time, I wish I have enough courage to step into this match and come out as a pair.

Tonight?

It was a great night. We have been planning this day for a few weeks. Week 10 of the semester where projects and assignments are all rushing in, and we decided to take a break from all of these. Was it a great idea? If I value my sanity, I guess yes, judging by the fact that I had at least 2 migraine attacks for the past 3 days. (It was bad, for all those people in the same plight as me, I feel you, migraine shouldn’t exist)

A night of partying, alcohols and awesome EDMs. It is a wonder what alcohol does to you. I can’t even dance on normal days and alcohol is all it takes to get me started. The attention, although for a short 5 mins, was all it takes to make my night really worth.

A guy approached us at dance floor and held on to me.

I didn’t exactly see his face, but I heard he was quite good looking. My friends were pushing me over, and asking if I want to have some wild fun tonight. Not the one night stand kind of thing but maybe just some intimate moments.

I was considering really hard, really really hard. On one hand, it has been years since I broke up and I really want to have a shoulder to lean on. (HAHA totally possible at a club). But on the other hand, I know I would regret this the moment I sober up.

Letting a random guy have intimate moments with me?

I just can’t accept it. The last time I checked, where I leaned onto my friend’s shoulder cause I had quite a drink, I felt so so bad the next morning. Simply because I crave for a men’s support doesn’t mean that I should go around with random guys. And using them to satisfy my need, just for that moment, just doesn’t click with my sober self.

Will I ever get drunk and discard my sober self? That totally depends. Though I would believe that the chances are really low.

You.

Mayday really caused a mayday crisis in my life today. The song triggered so much emotions and thoughts while I was casually browsing through their new album.

If your younger self saw the you now, would she be proud?

Did you forget what you were after getting hit by cruel waves of time?

When I was younger, as far as I could remember, I set many goals for myself. When I was 8, I wanted to be a musician. I wanted to create music like those cool kids I saw performing during a CCA fair. With that in mind, I applied for piano classes in school. That was the first rejection I faced (again, as far as I remember). The piano teacher thought that I had no sense of rhythm and tune, and kindly, very kindly actually, told me that maybe this is not yet suitable for me.

Few months later, I didn’t heed her advice and went to join the band anyway. That lasted till early pre-college times, and somehow, I made it through with close to 8 years of playing in a band. Do I like it? Well sure, as long as the songs are of my choice. Will I do this again? Maybe, but I will press on to learn piano if I knew what I was doing back then.

Animals have always hold a strong standing in my heart. I love dogs, cats, hamsters, rabbits, tortoises, fishes, and the list could go on and on. When it was time to choose a major, I was bent on getting into veterinary bioscience. That was it! They said to love your job so you don’t have to work. Spoiler alert: I took on computer science instead, because there are no local university that offers an extension or degree towards the veterinary field. My only hope was to secure a scholarship, which of course was too much to bet on.

That is my worst regret I had in my life. To turn away from my aspirations for the convenience of a possible future.

Will it be possible then, for me to enter the veterinary field through another channel? Maybe. I am still actively looking for opportunities to jump into this field.

Don’t forget to look back. Don’t let the cruelty of life and time wash away your passion and initial identity.

 

 

 

We will be good.

I am so, so triggered right now. And the reason may take a while to probably settle down. So don’t mind the following post being incoherent. I am just as incoherent in my head right now. This squishy piece of meat sitting on my head decides to pull stunts, toying with other pieces of muscles beating on my chest.

Adulthood is the topic. Goodbyes are the triggers.

Life is full of hellos and goodbyes. Some people stay, some people leave. Some are left as memories, from time to time, we dedicate some part of the brain cells to recall the fondest experience that happened the longest time before.

The quieter the night, the louder the thoughts.

Then it hits, whatever those times were, they were over. Those times we never knew were going to be that short. 6 years of primary school, 4 years of secondary school. We forgot that time has legs, and time really really, just went past.

It seems like I have entered the sad loop that all adults faced.

I don’t have time.

I am busy on that day.

More often than I preferred, I have used this phrase when outings spun out.

I don’t want to. And I can’t afford to. Some things are better left in the past, but I hope, I sincerely hope that experience are what’s ditched behind, and the people who I once held dear with made it through the tiny hole of time towards life.

Thank you Mayday for another great piece of music. To youth, and more future created together.

Act of Disappearing

Sometimes during conversations, my friends like to mention the disappearing. By that, I understand that as cutting off contact, or to the least, distancing themselves away.

We are all of age to decide what is beneficial, fulfilling or enjoyable, according to our own definition. When a friendship or relationship gets toxic, one can try to redeem and salvage what is left. Or simply walk away.

Communication helps. And it is surprisingly easy to just start the topic rolling. It may be awkward, and the mind is very good at complicating things.

But the point is, everyone has a choice on what they want to keep in their lives. What is valuable, what is necessary, what is good. And when one casually mention disappearing, I would believe that such thoughts have been running in their mind for a long long time. This is simply, not worth it then.

Ghosting has been a common phenomenon in the world of dating, where one party will ‘disappear’ and not reply after awhile, leaving the other party feeling confused. Now, the other party may move on fast, and simply forgot about that short encounter in their lives. I mean, how many tinder tales really have a proper closure?

No one owes the others ‘closure’. It is good to give, but surely, it is not an obligation.

The act of disappearing is hence, reasonable. But each response warrants a reaction. Think carefully of what type of reaction you are expecting.

This post ended up as a casual rant, triggered by a bunch of really small kids, myself included.

Collection of thoughts

I am sitting here, trying to study for midterms, but it isn’t working out well. Instead of spending time scrolling through Facebook or constantly refreshing YouTube subscription hoping for a new video to satisfy my boredom (and refusal to start on work), maybe starting a blog channel to unleash the crazy mind will be a great idea.

It might be a futile attempt to recycle time but it should be worth the try. So here I am. Let’s get started.

I have been reflecting on University life for the past few days, although its not like I am about to graduate in less than a semester or so. In fact, this is just my second semester into my journey of getting a degree. A tad too early for this reflection phrase about university, so I guess this is more like a reflection on Freshmen Year then. Yes that sounds more like it.

Freshmen year has been a hell of a ride. Really. Whoever that said University is when life just started, you’ve got to be kidding me. Whatever happened to partying and staying up late? The version I got was intense intellectual conversations over meals, and staying up late studying.

Freshmen year started last august, so counting back, it’s been close to 7 months since I got into this. Albeit the amount of complains and misjudgment, it has been fulfilling. Facing different challenges everyday, be it social communication or responsibility as an adult, I found a different side of me that I never knew could handle this.

2 years ago, if there’s a presentation coming up during the week, I would spend the weekend constantly revising my script, making sure that I don’t miss out any words on that piece of paper.

Now? I waltz into the room and pray for the best.

Are you sure it’s not because you cared less?

Right, that’s a good observation.

However, it is not because I cared less. Rather, I realized that the best script won’t even get me far. I will spend time sweating away and chanting on those words, instead of making real life communications with the audience. So what if I missed a point, or phrase the words differently? The reassuring look and confidence makes up for it.

Every time I thought that was my limit, life proves me otherwise.

Leaving house and living in campus? How. What. Are you sure. Is there a point?

Yes. It’s not that scary. Don’t panic younger self. /laughs/

I used to regret a lot. Now I am just lucky that life has brought me to where I am.

The uncertainties still scares the soul out of me. And it really doesn’t help when my pillar of support is the squishy piece of soft meat in my head.

I will get by, I will come by. Somehow or another way, I will get ahead of myself.